Dale Carnegie - How To Win Friends & Influence People

Nine Suggestions On How To Get The Most Out Of This Book

1. Develop a deep, driving desire to master the principles of human relations.
2. Read each chapter twice before going on to the next one.
3. As you read, stop frequently to ask yourself how you can apply each suggestion.
4. Underscore each important idea.
5. Review this book each month.
6. Apply these principle at every opportunity. Use this volume as a working handbook to help you solve your daily problems.
7. Make a lively game out of your learning by offering some friend a dime or a dollar every time he or she catches you violating one of these principles.
8. Check up each week on the progress you are making. Ask yourself what mistakes you have made, what improvement, what lessons you have learned for the future.
9. Keep notes in the back of this book showing how and when you have applied these principles.

Part 1: Fundamental Techniques In Handling People

1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

If You Want To Gather Honey, Don't Kick Over The Beehive

• If Al Capone, "Two Gun" Crowley, Dutch Schultz, and the desperate men and women behind prison walls don't blame themselves for anything - what about the people with whom you and I come in contact?
• 99 out of a 100, people don't criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be.
• "As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation."
• Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others - yes, and a lot less dangerous.
• "Don't complain about the snow on your neighbor's roof, when your own doorstep is unclean."
• When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
• Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
• Principle 1: Don't criticize, condemn or complain.

The Big Secret Of Dealing With People

• There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything, and that is by making the other person want to do it. For example:
  • Health and the preservation of life.
  • Food.
  • Sleep.
  • Money and the things money will buy.
  • Life in the hereafter.
  • Sexual gratification.
  • The well-being of our children.
  • A feeling of importance.
• The desiring for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals. If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity.
• "Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
• Appreciation is sincere, comes from the hearth out, is unselfish and universally admired. Flattery is insincere, comes from the teeth out, is selfish and universally condemned.
• "Don't be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you."
• Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.
• Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.

He Who Can Do This Has The Whole World With Him, He Who Cannot Walks A Lonely Way

• The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
• Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: "How can I make this person want to do it?"
• "If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own."
• The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.
• "First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has he whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way."
• Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Part 2: Six Ways To Make People Like You

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

Do This And You'll Be Welcome Anywhere

• You can make more friends in 2 months by becoming interested in other people than you can in 2 years by trying to get other people interested in you.
• "It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring."
• In writing a book, "if the author doesn't like people, people won't like his or her stories." If that is true of writing fiction, you can be sure it is true of dealing with people face-to-face.
• One can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them.
• If we want to make friends, let's put ourselves out to do things for other people - things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness. Make it a point to find out the birthdays of your friends.
• A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relations, must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing interest, but for the person receiving the attention. Both parties benefit.
• Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.

A Simple Way To Make A Good First Impression

• Action speaks louder than words, and a smile says "I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you." - a real smile, a heartwarming smile, a smile that comes from within, the kind of smile that will bring a good price in the marketplace, that is.
• You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.
• Everybody in the world is seeking happiness - and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn't depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.
• Working all by oneself in a a closed-off room in an office not only is lonely, but it denies one the opportunity of making friends with other employees in the company.
• Principle 2: Smile.

If You Don't Do This, You Are Headed For Trouble

• The average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell - and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.
• People are so proud of their names that they strive to perpetuate them at any cost.
• Notice someone's name tag.
• Principle 3: Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

An Easy Way To Become A Good Conversationalist

• "There is no mystery about successful business intercourse... Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that."
• Listening is just as important in one's home life as in the world of business.
• Not only important personages crave a good listener, but ordinary folk do too.
• If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
• Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

How To Interest People

• All leaders know, that the royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.
• Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person's interests.

How To Make People Like You Instantly

• There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring to countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the other person feel important.
• Obey the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." How? When? Where? The answer is: All the time, everywhere.
• Make a sign that reads "YOU ARE IMPORTANT!"
• The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.
• Principle 6: Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

Part 3: How To Win People To Your Way Of Thinking

1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. Begin in a friendly way.
5. Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
10. Appeal to the noble motives.
11. Dramatize your ideas.
12. Throw down a challenge.

You Can't Win An Argument

• You can't win an argument because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win, you lose it.
• "A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still."
• Figure it out for yourself. Which would you rather have, an academic, theatrical victory or a person's goodwill? You can seldom have both.
• How to keep a disagreement from an argument:
  • Welcome the disagreement.
  • Distrust your first instinctive impression.
  • Control your temper.
  • Listen first.
  • Look for areas of agreement.
  • Be honest.
  • Promise to think over your opponent's ideas and study them carefully.
  • Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest.
  • Postpone action to give both sides times to think through the problem.
• Remember, "When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary."
• Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

A Sure Way Of Making Enemies - And How To Avoid It

• If you are going to prove anything, don't let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it.
  • "Men must be taught as if you taught them not and things unknown proposed as things forgot."
  • "You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself."
  • "Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so."
  • "One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing."
• Principle 2: Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."

If You're Wrong, Admit It

• There's magic, positive magic, in such phrases as:
  "I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let's examine the facts."
• You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.
• Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say - and say them before that person has a chance to say them. The chances are a 100 to 1 that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized.
• There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one's errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.
• Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes - and most fools do - but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one's mistakes.
• Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and empathically.

A Drop Of Honey

• The use of gentleness and friendliness is demonstrated day after day by people who have learned that a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.
• Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.

The Secret Of Socrates

• In talking with people, don't begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing - and keep on emphasizing - the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.
• The Socratic method: Get the other person saying "Yes, yes" at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying "No."
• "He who treads softly goes far."
• Principle 5: Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.

The Safety Valve In Handling Complaints

• Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other person talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things. Even our friends would much rather talk to us about their achievements than to listen to us boast about ours.
• "If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you."
• Only mention your achievement when someone asks.
• Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

How To Get Cooperation

• No-on likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or setting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts.
• Colonel House's technique: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. Give that person public credit for these ideas.
• Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

A Formula That Will Work Wonders For You

• Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don't think so. Don't condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.
• There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason - and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality.
• Try honestly to put yourself in his place.
• "You would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person's office for 2 hours before an interview, than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea what I was going to say and what that person - from your knowledge of his or her interests and motives - was likely to answer."
• Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.

What Everybody Wants

• "I don't blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do."
• 3/4ths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
• Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.

An Appeal That Everybody Likes

• In order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.
• Nothing will work in all cases - and nothing will work with all people. If you are satisfied with the results you are now getting, why change? If you are not satisfied, why not experiment?
• Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.

The Movies Do It. TV Does It. Why Don't You Do It?

• This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn't enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You will have to do it if you want attention.
• You can dramatize your ideas in business or in any other aspect of your life.
• Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas.

When Nothing Else Works, Try This

• The desire to excel! The challenge! Throwing down the gauntlet! An infallible way of appealing to people of spirit.
• What greater challenge can be offered than the opportunity to overcome your fears? That is what every successful person loves: the game.
• Principle 12: Throw down a challenge.

Part 4: Be A Leader - How To Change People Without Giving Offense Or Arousing Resentment

1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5. Let the other person save face.
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9. Make the other person happy about the thing you suggest.

If You Must Find Fault, This Is The Way To Begin

• It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.
• Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

How To Criticize - And Not Be Hated For It

• If the other person knows that he knows that the other person had broken a rule - and the other person admires you because you said nothing about it and gave the other person a little present and make them feel important. Couldn't keep from loving a man like that, could you?
• Change the word "but" to "and."
• Calling attention to one's mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.
• Principle 2: Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.

Talk About Your Own Mistakes First

• It isn't nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.
• Imagine what humility and praise can do for you and me in our daily contacts. Rightfully used, they will work veritable miracles in human relations.
• Admitting one's own mistakes - even when someone hasn't corrected them - can help convince somebody to change his behavior.
• Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

No One Likes To Take Orders

• Give suggestions, not orders. A technique like that makes it easy for a person to correct errors. A technique like that saves a person's pride and gives him or her a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.
• Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable - it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.
• Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

Let The Other Person Save Face

• Letting one save face! How important, how vitally important that is! And how few of us ever stop to think of it!
• Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.
• Principle 5: Let the other person save face.

How To Spur People On To Success

• Why don't we use praise instead of condemnation? Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.
• Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere - not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.
• The principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life.
• If you and I will inspire the people with whom we come in contact to a realization of the hidden treasures they possess, we can do far more than change people. We can literally transform them.
• Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."

Give A Dog A Good Name

• If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. And it might be well to assume and state openly that the other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
• "Give a dog a bad name and you may as well hang him. But give him a good name - and see what happens!"
• Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

Make The Fault Seem Easy To Correct

• Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique - be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it - and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.
• Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

Making The People Glad To Do What You Want

• Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
• The technique of giving titles and authority worked for Napoleon and it will work for you.
• The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
  • Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
  • Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
  • Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.
  • Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
  • Match those benefits to the other person's wants.
  • When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea the he personally will benefit.
• Principle 9: Make the other person happy about the thing you suggest.

Posted on 11th September 2007 by Quintus Hegie

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